Thanks guys.

We have a pretty strict routine. Last night we varied from it. She'd already had a bath at my mothers, she'd spent the night there for the weekend. So they tried to bypass bath. These conflicts don't happen often, but the wife expects immediate compliance with everything and the child doesn't want to give it. She does the same with me, but I seem to be able to handle it better than my wife does. Which blows me away, because it was the opposite with my son. We've had our girl off and on since she was 5mo. We had a very difficult time when the biologicals got her back for a while, but we still had her more than they did, even when they had custody. We've had her now for 15 months straight with no interaction from bios. Got custody last summer, but can't adopt yet. Overcoming the lessons learned from the bios is our current task. Most of the time she is well behaved but occasionally, like all children, she becomes difficult. I handle each situation, then let it go. My wife seems to hang on to every situation and let it build up. Honestly, I think it's more my wifes reaction than the child. I don't see the child as any different than others, better than some. My wife compares her to how easy my son was and expects the same. And it's not gonna happen. The wife has to learn to adapt, somehow. Until then I'm the one that has to step in and handle the situation.

Kids are gonna be kids and that includes not minding a lot of times. God knows I've had/have a short temper with mine even now at 15 when she doesn't mind or lolly gags around at doing something she was told to do. But, in my opinion from what you've said here, and I mean this with the upmost respect, it sounds like your wife is the biggest cause of the problem. She's gotta understand that a 5 year old is not going to react to a command like an solider every time. She's only setting the whole family up for failure if she expects or demands immediate action on the first word and blowing her top when it doesn't happen. I wish you the best of blessings and commend you for what you are doing to make a positive difference in a child's life. Prayers for you all.

None of my business and more towards your last post. Even though you have custody of the child, if you really want to adopt do everything you can to get that job done. Don’t let it linger. I’m sure you are doing what you can to get it done. Have friends that have a grandson. Raised the child practically from birth. Not sure why they never adopted and got all rights, but 13 years old and his father filed and got him. Never was in his life ever. Pray everything works out for you and child.

As a former foster parent, NEVER be alone with foster child bathing, dressing, etc. Hopefully our resident foster expert McNinja, will chime in.

Pray with them. Lift your concerns with the children present.

Record them with the voice recorder on your phone. Just stay quiet and let them go on with it. After they’ve settled down, replay it for your wife and maybe your daughter also. Let them hear it with a cool head and see how they think it could be fixed by responding differently to each other. I know if I ever lose my cool and lash out, I normally feel stupid about it later on and want to act differently next time. That’s the only thing I got for ya. Good luck.

Y’all have to make it fun and rewarding.

I get the hardline in the sand and take that approach very often, but sometimes you have to find something they enjoy.

Example: maybe they love the 1:1 attention for reading. Have them get their bath and give them a reading session while they’re laying in their bed.

You can’t be the guy every night because you aren’t always going to be there to handle it. Just saying

My wife was a big reader at night time. Now with the grandkids they love to take a bath because they know grandma is going to read them a book. And she reads for a while... I go sleep in the spare bedroom.

Not a dad, but at five years old, she should be able to take a bath by herself. Run the water for a reasonable temperature and let her do the washing of her body, etc. Obviously she needs to be taught how but she can do it herself. If her hair is on the longer side, then perhaps a shower would be best so she can wash her hair more effectively. Her doing these things herself will help support her own independence/self reliance/responsibility and teach her modesty and privacy. It eliminates either of you from being accused of anything improper. An adult turning the water on and adjusting the temperature is reasonable, but after that she should be able to undress, bathe/shower, dry off and get dressed on her own. The hair combing and drying may still require some assistance, though, for a couple more years.

Also, be sure your wife gets some "her" time where she can indulge in things outside of "Mom LIfe" since y'all are parenting round two after thinking you would be enjoying life as empty nesters at this point.

But, after what you have posted here, it does seem like your wife needs to figure out how to accept the fact that this little girl child is a wholly different creature than your son and that she cannot expect her to react the same as your son did. It may be as simple as changing tone or delivery of whatever it is that she wants done.

As others have mentioned, being consistent in both bed time and the routine leading to it are key.

My wife and my 9 year old daughter butt heads regularly. Usually around bedtime too lol. I just handle the bedtime like you. Girls ARE NOT easy to raise lol. Boys are for the most part. Prayers for patience my friend!!

100% truth. Especially when they become teenagers, mine has been quite the challenge.

Dad of 2 girls (15 & 14).

I also took on bath & bed time for both of my kids from birth, and kind of still do from a scheduling/management perspective. My wife also is at wit's end by the end of the day from dealing with kids (she teaches middle school) and has no more patience for kids by bed & bath time.

We also have had fosters and I completely understand some folks suggestion of removing yourself from any bath/bed duties. In your case, this little girl is not just a foster daughter, but a blood niece as well. As such, I wouldn't hesitate to do whatever you need to do to handle business in your home. Yes, there is always a chance of false claims being made, but the same could be made about your wife, by our own biological children, or anyone really.

Keep up the good work, Dad. From here we'll be praying for your wisdom & discernment, your wife's patience, and the little gal's compliance. Thank you for stepping up for the kid.

Take your belt off, lay her across the bed and wear that tail out. Then tell her to stay there while you go bath the child and put her to bed. Just trying to lighten the mood. God bless y’all for the environment and stability you are providing that child.

I had a 5 year old step daughter and I have raised 2 boys. I never ever gave her a bath, but most nights I'd let her mom tuck her in, and I would lay on top of the covers with her while she fell asleep. What ALL YOUNG GIRLS need is a daddy figure who loves them unconditionally. I am not telling you how to raise her, but its might be better not to spank her in this case.

When I got divorced, I had custody, I set up a schedule with my sons. It frankly amazed my dad, because when my now ex wife was there, bedtime was drama central. It took a week or two, but the gist of things was bedtime was at 8, and when I said bedtime, they went upstairs, brushed their teeth, and got into bed and were tucked in and kissed goodnight. Blew my dad away the first time they visited and I said bedtime. Off the went, no drama no fuss.

The act of bedtime needs to be as drama free as possible. Being a foster parent is alot like being a step parent. You, fortunately, are getting in with a little girl who is young enough you can form parent like bonds with her. That needs to be your and your wifes top priority. You aren't the bio parent, and no matter how bad a bio parent is, kids will always want to connect with them.

If it was me, I would sit down with the wife, and come up with a game plan and a routine to make bed/bath time drama free. Reward the girl for doing it right. Find out what her "emotional currency" is. It could be something as simple as chicken nuggets. Whatever really floats her boat, that helps. Then use it to reward her, and be consistent. What you want to do is get her in the habit and then you can back off the reward all the time.

I am going to tell you something, because I really wanted a little girl. You play your cards right, and God willing you live long enough, this little girl will grow up and ask you to walk her down the aisle and give her away when she gets married. My friend, that is the dad this little girl needs. Good luck!!

My kids are grown. My wife had our kids scurred I mean no back talk. Bedtime was on moms schedule not theirs. My wife would smooth knock them out if they dallied too long. The kids call there mom often and come see her all the time. So they don’t hate her. Discipline is your responsibility as a parent. The kids preferred moms discipline over mine I took all their privileges and it was a long time to get them back. My son played baseball, my daughter was a cheerleader. Those activities were discontinued until their behavior or grades improved.

Your wife is right. Let her handle it.

My wife and daughter have always butted heads. I can give my daughter one look and it shuts her down immediately and it pisses my wife off. She can’t understand why and I told her it’s because she knows I will tear her ass up or ground her. It’s not a negotiation. You’re the parent. Stop trying to act like her best buddy.

FFP, you may want to go reread the second paragraph of your original post.

Ford150man said what I was kinda thinking. Still wishing you the most blessings and understanding FFP. You're doing a wonderful thing in this child's life. God bless you