I went with my dad to hang a stand for me to bow hunt out of but had to cross soapstone creek. The slickest dang thing u have ever tried to walk on.we got it hung and I was racing back to the truck to drive back to the gate. SPLASH!!!! sitting in the middle of the creek I turn around to see if he saw me.... and of course he did

Fast forward 24 hours and I go to hunt this new stand. He dropped me off 300 yards from the creek at the edge of a big field and said he would pick me up THERE at dark. I was in pines and it was starting to get dark quick and for safety reasons only (a the fact that gill man lived in that creek) i start to get my crap together. On flippin que of my feet hitting the ground a pack of coyotes crank up several hundred yards away. Trent richardson wouldnt have been able to keep up as i sprinted out of that pine thicket!!!!! Down the road i go toward the creek. Remembering that i had failed a speedy crossing the day before i go from a healthy jog to a crawl as I stuck my boot in the water. Its at this point I hear something and look across the creek I see my dad.......he was of course laughing uncontrollably.....

Ok, here is just one of my Fraudian slips. The incident happened 10-11 years ago. It happened right after Alabama men's basketball team had made it to the sweet 16 or the elite 8 I don't remember. Anyway, Coach Godfrey and his family attended the same church we did. Well, we always sat in the back because our son can be loud due to his disability, the Godfrey gang always sat behind us. Well the Sunday after Alabama gets put out of the tournament Mark is back with family. During the meet and greet part of the service, yes Baptist, I say this to Mark, "Hey Mark, nice semen". I don't know why season came out semen. He didn't hear it, cause he just went right along thanking for support and stuff. I on the other hand was about to hyperventilate and crap my pants. I told my wife what happened and she had to get up and leave for laughing so hard. I never did ask Mark or Elizabeth about that. I have more stories but I don't want to overwhelm you guys with my stupidity.

I once informed the President of our company that he has something stuck on his forehead. He politely informed me he was Catholic and it was Ash Wednesday. My heart sank, but he was cool about it.

i have no embarrassing stories, everything in my life has been pre-calculated and with purpose.

Well There are a couple I can think Of. But this one happened a couple years ago so its still fresh in my mind. I was working nights at the Bartending at the Casino in Wetumpka and Guiding at my lodge. So after hunting season and I had a couple days off from the casino I was having trouble sleeping. Well the doc gave me sleeping pills. Now I was staying at the lodge with my dad and Wife. I can't sleep at all with clothes on. So I take the pill Fall asleep finally. The next morning I wake up expecting to roll over and see my wife nope there was my dad. I quickly jump up and ran to the room. Asked my dad about it that morning. He said well just figured she kicked your Arss out.

not me, a guy I worked with once took his date home and they were "sitting" on the front porch wooden swing. His pants down, her legs stuck out the back of the swing, going at it. Swing broke. Girls legs broke. Everybody stuck, till dad came out the front door.......

I got called into court on an off day. Was sitting at the DAs table during opening statement of a felony DUI trial. Had a new phone in which my wife had downloaded some Journey song as her ringtone. As the DA is giving her opening statement it goes off in my shirt pocket and its loud. On top of that I am panicking and can't get it turned off. Finally I just cover it and squeeze til it quit ringing or I silenced it.

Dammit man

That was a bad day.

Tall tines just reminded me of another one. I was working on an ambulance at this time and my wife and I were living with her mom and stepdad. Well I had had one of those 24 hour shifts on the ambulance where I got a grand total of about 15 minutes of sleep and I had to do something the next day too so I didn't sleep during the day. Well we go to sleep and I wake up to get in the shower in the morning and I am remembering a weird dream I had last night but it seemed so real. I got out of the shower and told my wife, she was my girlfriend then. I said I don't know if it really happened but I think I dreamed I woke up in your parents bed wearing nothing but my undies on my hands and knees between your mom and stepdad, then your stepdad wakes up and says what the f*** are you doing in our bed? Then your mom asks the same thing and I say hell I don't really know so I crawled over your mom, I mean straddled her and got out of the bed and came back in here. She said it must have been a dream because I never got out of bed. At 9:00 I was sitting at work and got a text saying it wasn't a dream. For 3 months until we finally closed on our house I got little prods like, well I guess we're going to go get the bed warm for nick and all kinds of crap like that. It was like the gift that kept on giving.

Me my wife n three kids at acadamy on night. Id been dranking patron, stomach got tore up and I chit myself, BAD. It was running in my boots.
Had to ride home nekkid in back of truck in December.

What the mom look like?? lol

WTF?? are u for real?

We've all been there

Me and a buddy are gonna fish in a tournament on a lake neither of us had fished before. Late one evening a couple weeks before the tournament we bust off to the lake to do a pre-fish. We fished all the way up till dark and had traveled several miles away from the launch. On our way back, I get a stomach cramp of epic proportions and tell my buddy to get me to shore ASAP. The boat gets to within feet of hard ground and I jump out and run for brush. I'm facing the water when a flood light comes on and I turn my head to see an entire family sitting at their dinner table in front of a giant picture glass window horrified by my appearance in half pinch. Man of the house comes out the door yelling and ask me if I had to do that in his yard as I'm jumping back in the boat, shorts around my ankles. Hung my butt of the back of the boat hanging onto the outboard and finished up.

At kids little league ball game on motorcycle. Stomach cramping really bad And i knew i had to do something quickly. Went into bathroom at concession stand and I stool was out of order and the other was full with 2 kids waiting. My Mom lived a couple block over so i ran to motorcycle flew to Mom's house ran in bathroom, yanked down shorts and underwear and exploded in the toilet just in time I thought. Finished my business and went back to game. As I was sitting down in stands, the people behind me knew me and said i had something all over the back of my shorts and shirt. I just thought i had made it in time. I handled it like a pro and said "Thanks, I must have sit in somethign and went home."

No..no we havent.

It could be worse, I asked my district manager if he wanted a slice of my bacon pizza... He's jewish

About thirty minutes later I had a coming to point realizing what I did.

Next time he came in I apologized, he was cool about it.